God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You

On you, DVR. The love of my life. Having this last week off has really driven home exactly how much TV I watch. At the risk of causing my brother and sister-in-law to have a heart attack, I've decided to outline my TV lineup for those of you who care...

Sunday
1) Tough Love:
I've mentioned this one on my blog before, but is definitely one of the most amazing shows on television. A show where a brutally blunt matchmaker takes a group of women and puts them through an intensive dating boot camp to help them achieve successful romantic relationships. Despite the fact that I should probably be on this show, I find it awesome. The second season has started today and it's a little rough. Rough because I have way too much in common with these ladies. That's a story for another day though, let's focus on my TV habit. Evidence of my addiction is that I recognize one of the women as one of the mothers from a previous VH1 reality show hosted by Danny Bonaduce about stage moms. Oh, also, I'm kind of in love with the matchmaker host. He's not exactly my physical type, but just enough asshole to keep my interest. My favorite quote for this week, "Men are going to judge you right away to see if your uncomplicated and fun, or if you're going to suck the life right out of them."

2) Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew:
Exactly what it sounds like. A show documenting the rehab process for a group of "celebrity" sex addicts. I haven't actually heard of any of the people on the show, but they range from beauty queens, to playboy bunnies, to porn stars, to pro surfers. I've never quite bought the whole, "Sorry sweetie, I'm a sex addict" thing, but this show makes some compelling arguments.

3) Desperate Housewives:
I don't really know why I still watch this show. I think because I'm in love the character Mike. An ex-con, plumber, now good husband and father with a permanent five o'clock shadow...come on.

4) Mad Men:
Last week was the season finale. I'm addicted to the sixties styling and costuming. I wish people still dressed like that and drank on the job. I could do without the sexual harassment though.

5) Curb Your Enthusiasm:
I mean, just hilarious. I unfortunately really empathize with Larry David. More so in previous seasons when he was genuinely trying to do nice things for people but pretty much failed miserably. He's kind of mean nowadays, but so am I so I guess I've evolved with the show.

6) Californication:
Speaking of sex addictions this show features a "real life" sex addict David Duchovny in a role where the character is clearly addicted as well. It's OK though because he's a formally successful author so he apparently has license to sleep with everyone and drink as much as possible. I like this show because it's witty and well-written despite the gratuitous sex.

7) Dexter:
A pretty morbid show about a serial killer who works as a blood spatter specialist with the Miami police department. He only kills people who have committed crimes like child molestation, rapes, or murders (until last week). It can be pretty gory and there's a fair amount of nudity and whatnot. I know this is going to make me sound crazy, but I like it because I can kind of identify with him sometimes. He is constantly analyzing why he does the things he does and feels detached from human nature. I kind of get that. I don't react to most things the way the general public does which makes it hard to relate to people. I don't kill people though. Just want to make that clear. I also really like the music for this show. I don't know how Joshua would feel about it...

Monday
1) For the Love of Ray J:
Completely ridiculous. A VH1 "dating" show for R&B artist Ray J who is also known as Brandy's little brother. It's basically a show for strippers to get more attention so they can be feature dancers when they get home and make more money. It's still kind of entertaining. I don't really need to DVR it since VH1 replays it every day several times a day.

2) I Want to Work for Diddy:
I just want to say that I love Diddy. I think he's delightfully arrogant and really, really funny. This show is an apprentice style show with people competing to be Mr. Combs's assistant. He has them do some pretty ludicrous things, but it's all in the name of good TV. My favorite quote from the last episode (one contestant to another), "You're not even a person you're a collection of thoughts and ideas that you've stolen from other people. Now go on sista-girl me to death." Snap!

3) How I Met Your Mother:
I still maintain this show went down hill after the writer's strike a couple years ago. It's still pretty good but has kind of lost some of its shimmer. Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel are still amazing though.

4) The Big Bang Theory:
A group of stereotypically nerdy scientists who live across the hall from a hot girl who hangs out with them for some reason. This season she is dating one of the nerds which is obviously very unbelievable, but that's OK. The nerd is played by David from Roseanne and the hot girl is played by Kaley Cuoco from 8 Simple Rules and Charmed. The main character, Sheldon, is so hilarious and another person who doesn't feel things in a "normal" way therefore making him more identifiable for me. The point is this show is funny. You just have to watch and see.

Tuesday
1) Chopped:
A cross between a Top Chef quickfire and Iron Chef. Contestants are presented with baskets of surprise ingredients that they then have to make into a dish. Three rounds: appetizer, entree, dessert. All the rounds are pretty short, 20 or 30 minutes. At the end one of the chefs earns $10,000 for his/her efforts.

2) So You Think You Can Dance:
I'm jealous of anyone with coordination. I am one of the most clumsy people I konw and definitely have no rhythm. Plus it has some cool music.

Wednesday
1) Top Chef:
This season is unfortunately winding down, but it's been a very tough competition. For those of you living under a rock, this is a show where chefs are tested on their skills and at the end win $100,000 and a feature in Food & Wine magazine. More importantly you get pretend like you get to eat some really good food. But you can't. Because it's on TV.

2) So You Think You Can Dance Results Show:
I have to find out who's getting kicked off!

3) Nip/Tuck:
This show is kind of too gross and morbid for me, but I watched the season premiere so now I have to keep watching it.

Thursday
Tuesday and Wednesday are light days because I have to rest up for Thursday. It's about as intense as Sunday.

1) Community:
I'm still on the fence about this show. I love Joel McHale, but I have a hard time paying attention sometimes. A guy who used to be a lawyer, but never actually went to college so is now going to community college to eventually earn his degree but doesn't really want to be there?

2) Parks and Recreation:
I didn't watch the first season of this show, but I'm really liking the second season. Despite the fact that the mockumentary format is completely ripped off from The Office, following a small department of the local government is surprisingly entertaining. The token Indian guy is pretty hilarious as well.

3) The Office:
It's gotten a little boring lately, but still pretty awesome. I did kind of feel like they were making fun of me when Dwight was giving that martial arts seminar this past Thursday though. There isn't a clip just yet, but I'll post one when it becomes available.

4) 30 Rock:
As time goes on it becomes more and more apparent that I am Liz Lemon. Like about a week ago when I was talking to a guy I like thinking the conversation was going really well, only to realize that I had peanut butter all over my pants. We share frizzy hair and rectangular glasses that say, "Don't look directly into my eyes." Humor is our defense mechanism and things go wrong on a regular basis. The show is so quirky and funny. I wish I could find a buddy like Alec Baldwin.

5) Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia:
If only I had a gang to terrorize the planet with. Also this show contains the love of my life: Charlie. A short, unkempt, illiterate, smelly bar janitor with freckles who sleeps on a fold out couch with Danny DeVito. It's really hard to adequately describe this show. You really just have to watch it. My favorite recent quote, "I only have so much time left on this planet. I wanna get real weird with it."

6) The League:
A new sitcom on FX about a group of guys who participate in a fantasy football league. It sounds really lame but it is very funny. "I keep a slam list on my phone." "Why in case you need to battle rap someone?" You'll recognize a lot of the cast from Best Week Ever on VH1.

7) Project Runway:
This show reminds me of my college days. Working your fingers to the bone so that other people see and appreciate your vision. Even though they hardly ever do. Some of you might remember my teenage dream to be a fashion designer. Thank goodness I didn't follow through with that. If I feel like graphic design is to pressure filled can you imagine how I would have faired in the fashion industry? There aren't enough Tim Gunns in the world to encourage me.

8) The Real Housewives of Whatever:
Whether it be Orange County, Atlanta, New Jersey, or New York this show is AWESOME. It's so superficial and ridiculous. These women are obviously forced to hang out with each other and they are so out of touch with every day life that it helps you zone out for an hour and not think about the fact that you can't pay your rent. Except this season of Orange County when all the women seem to be going broke because they lived beyond their means and now have no income. So sad. More evidence of my addiction: I recognize one of the wives from New Jersey (Dina) as one of the brides from Platinum Weddings on the WE network.

Friday
1) Ugly Betty:
This is another show where I probably enjoy the set and costume design more than the actual story line. It is a kind of sweet show though. It's soap opera meets sitcom meets something fashiony.

2) Say Yes to the Dress:
Chronicling brides choosing their wedding dress at Kleinfelds in New York. I don't DVR this, but I do watch it pretty much whenever it's on.

Other shows I watch when in season: Weeds, Entourage, Flipping Out (Jeff Lewis is the gay man version of me), Big Love, Bad Girls Club (Starts Dec 1st), Monk (almost over, so sad), Psych, and Modern Family.

I'm not really sure why I watch Weeds or Entourage. I find the main character of Weeds (Nancy Botwin) to be deplorable and a horrible role model for women but also just people in general. Entourage is kind of the man version of Sex and the City which is kind of funny. There is not one single strong female character on the show due to the fact that all the writers are chauvinistic men, but I still really like it. I like Ari played by Jeremy Pivens. I identify with his rage and exasperation. I like the soundtrack too.

Things I'll watch when I feel like it: Snapped (awesome true show on Oxygen about women who all of a sudden freak out and kill a significant other), Whose Wedding is it Anyway?, House, True Life, reruns of Frasier.

As you can tell my tv dance card is pretty full. It has been suggested to me that I should start watching Glee (on Fox), Sons of Anarchy (on FX), and True Blood (on Showtime), but I'm already pretty exhausted by what I've already committed to. It's basically a part-time job. I realize it's kind of overboard, but my TV keeps me company. I know that probably isn't the most socially healthy thing, but I can always count on it and trust it. It also used to give really good concepts for art projects. I can't really use that excuse since I haven't done one since project since graduating from college almost a year ago. Still though TV and DVR are going to be bridesmaids at my fictional wedding which will obviously never occur because I don't go anywhere or meet anyone. But at least I'll get good relationship advice from Tough Love, and I'll be able to pick out my wedding dress from Kleinfeld's by watching Say Yes to the Dress, and I'll be able to handle my wedding planner by watching Whose Wedding is it Anyway?