Am I For Real?

I've been having a little bit of a quarter life crisis which made my birthday less than enjoyable. I feel like I had a greater sense of self and more direction as a teenager than I do now. I suppose it's easier to see the world clearly when you've experienced less of it. Aside from the usual "what am I doing with my life?" question I've also been really surprised to hear how people have been describing me lately. It makes me think that not only am I not seeing the world clearly, but maybe I'm not seeing myself clearly either.

1) Am I a hippie?
Sure I eat organic food and know what quinoa and lentils are. I eat tofu and tempeh and alfalfa sprouts. I feel better when I try to recycle. But those Prius commercials where people are dressed in different colors and are dancing around and then when the camera pulls back they make up the world, those commercials really freak me out. Also, I go to the pool more than I do the beach. That might be a laziness thing though since the pool is steps from my front door and I have to drive a whole 15 minutes to the beach. 15 minutes, man.

2) Am I lazy?
I procrastinate a lot. I take a nap almost every day. I work out a lot I guess, but not as much as most people I'm around. I have a job. I hate driving and running errands. I'm pretty proud of myself if I go to the bank or post office.

3) Am I a fighter?
I fight. Sort of. Some people who have seen me say I have good form and technique. Some people say I'm not aggressive enough. Could I hold my own on the street? Probably. Could I hold my own in a cage fight? Absolutely not. Unless they start allowing biting. Then I'd most definitely win.

4) Am I sweet?
No. I'm always really confused when I hear this description of me. I find it's usually because people don't realize I'm being sarcastic, or they are meaner than I am, or they just don't know me well enough yet. Most people who have known me a while would say I'm "sweet at heart." AKA "She's kind of a bitch, but is nice if she likes you."

5) Am I a bitch?
Probably. I do try to treat people the way they ought to be treated, but frequently fail. I'm temperamental and brutally honest and confrontational. I think it's more that I'm emotional than a bitch. I can't hide what I'm feeling and even though it definitely gets me in trouble on a routine basis, that's one thing I wouldn't change about myself.

6) Am I an artist?
I have an art degree. I am a conceptual thinker. I'm always in my head and I don't always know the best way to translate that visually with technical precision. I haven't created anything meaningful since college. Any time I try, I freak out.

7) Am I commitment phobic?
Yes. I am petrified of failure. This is affecting every facet of my life right now. Relationships, career, my fighting...all of it. It's so bad that I almost want to pick up and move somewhere new again just so I don't have to make any serious decisions here. Things have gotten very complicated and the fastest and easiest solution would be to start new. Again. Would that be cowardly? Yes. It would also probably be pretty relieving. Then what?

8) Am I hot?
I think I am entirely average. It seems the weight loss that has occurred since taking up fighting has made people take a second look. I feel better, like, health-wise. I still feel average hotness-wise. I guess I'm hot enough to snag the two hottest guys at the studio though. AND, they're actually just hot by normal standards, not just the hottest out of a group of uglies.

9) Am I smart?
I'm a smartass. I think that's different though. I consider myself of reasonable intelligence. I don't seem to make the most logical decisions and I've forgotten a lot of what I learned in school. I know enough to get by, but not a lot about anything in particular.

10) Am I flaky?
I try really hard not to be because it reminds me of Nana Kelley. I am kinda wishy-washy and I change my mind more than I should. It's just that I really get caught up in my own thoughts and emotions. My mind is constantly churning and thinking about way too much. If I could get a job to just over analyze everything into oblivion, I would be awesome at it. Except not really because that would require commitment.