I had planned on taking a break from my self-deprecation and boohoo pity party to write a comparison on Mondrian and Lil Wayne/T-Pain, but that will have to wait. I know you're upset, but don't worry I will make Mary Ann faint soon enough. Instead I have to take a few deep breaths to prevent hyperventilation so I don't faint myself.
I was "studying" for my praxis in the morning. I have my art making test and I was gathering my thoughts about my work when I checked my e-mail hoping my sister-in-law might have sent me all the answers I need. She didn't, but I got a message from facebook from a long lost teacher. It was actually really nice to hear from him, but I digress from my point. I was looking at the newsfeed, ok if you have to call it procrastinating you can, but the point is that I stumbled across an entire album of DJ and his son that his sister put on Facebook. Now, I kind of feel like this was a personal attack towards me. She befriended me on facebook a couple of months ago and so of course she would have known I would see them. I literally started shaking and had to catch my breath. "Noah Pics" it was called. "Noah Pics" as if it was the most natural and casual thing to plaster all over Facebook. DJ isn't even on Facebook there was no reason for these pictures to be put up whatsoever. The thing is, I guess it was a natural and casual thing. They are pictures of her brother and nephew.
I was a little upset with myself at first that I even allowed these pictures to have such an effect on me, but then I thought more deeply about it. That family was so important to me and these were pictures of not only DJ with the boy, but DJ's Dad and also Britney holding him. I'm actually still shaking. I thought that family was my family until all of them rejected me the minute Britney got pregnant. Everyone but DJ's Dad. I mean it retrospect it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me besides being kicked out of the house in high school, but it has effectively made it impossible to forge any kind of real relationship again.
So, I guess I'll have to defriend his sister. I can't subject myself to that situation any longer. I think I will tell her why. I haven't fully decided, but I think someone needs to understand the magnitude of what happened. I'm fairly certain that if I ever saw DJ again I would punch him in the face, then the knee him in the balls and while he writhed on the ground I would spit on him then kick him as I stepped over him. Yep.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Guess I'll Go Eat Worms
I'm kind of experiencing mixed feelings about my choice of location right now. I really love weather. I don't know that I care for all the palm trees and general beach flora. I'm not a "tropical" person. I also hate shorts. I think I look really bad in them. I've found that it's really difficult to be comfortable in pants here though. I'm going to have to work on that.
What is more difficult is just the overall superficial attitude of most people I come across. It's diametrically opposite of the social mentality in Boone. In Boone you're more likely to get exasperated from listening to everyone's political agendas rather than how someone blew all their money shopping and drinking last night. I keep telling myself it's because I work in a bar with people recently acquainted with drinking at a legal age. I think that is the reason, but it's no less aggravating to hear on a constant basis. And I do mean constant.
I think it makes it harder for people to relate to me because I feel so removed from everything. I've said or done a few playful things at work the other day and one person got offended and I had to apologize. The other person couldn't stop laughing or bringing it up. They were genuinely surprised to find that I had a sense of humor. I didn't realize that was a hidden aspect of my personality. I guess I flatter myself when I think I'm funny. I know I told some of you that a boy I work with said I'm "the nicest, sweetest girl that works [there]." Several people there have said they can't imagine me angry or in a fight. I mean, I came here for a fresh start, but I'm really not sure where they're getting these personality traits from. It's not that I mind being described as sweet or mellow, but I get the impression what they really mean is boring.
In addition, I don't think I'm considered very pretty down here. It's not that big of a deal, but it's a little hurtful I guess. I'm not super tan or blond and I'm a little curvier/pudgier than most girls down here.
A combination of these factors makes me a little ambivalent about settling down here. If my friend Katie moves down at the end of Jamie's lease then I will have to stay for another year or so. I don't mind, but I guess that's because I'm hoping some of these negative aspects will change once I get a "real" job.
What is more difficult is just the overall superficial attitude of most people I come across. It's diametrically opposite of the social mentality in Boone. In Boone you're more likely to get exasperated from listening to everyone's political agendas rather than how someone blew all their money shopping and drinking last night. I keep telling myself it's because I work in a bar with people recently acquainted with drinking at a legal age. I think that is the reason, but it's no less aggravating to hear on a constant basis. And I do mean constant.
I think it makes it harder for people to relate to me because I feel so removed from everything. I've said or done a few playful things at work the other day and one person got offended and I had to apologize. The other person couldn't stop laughing or bringing it up. They were genuinely surprised to find that I had a sense of humor. I didn't realize that was a hidden aspect of my personality. I guess I flatter myself when I think I'm funny. I know I told some of you that a boy I work with said I'm "the nicest, sweetest girl that works [there]." Several people there have said they can't imagine me angry or in a fight. I mean, I came here for a fresh start, but I'm really not sure where they're getting these personality traits from. It's not that I mind being described as sweet or mellow, but I get the impression what they really mean is boring.
In addition, I don't think I'm considered very pretty down here. It's not that big of a deal, but it's a little hurtful I guess. I'm not super tan or blond and I'm a little curvier/pudgier than most girls down here.
A combination of these factors makes me a little ambivalent about settling down here. If my friend Katie moves down at the end of Jamie's lease then I will have to stay for another year or so. I don't mind, but I guess that's because I'm hoping some of these negative aspects will change once I get a "real" job.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Why I Don't Go Out Often
So I've been asked about a little narration action for the photos that were recently posted of me on Facebook. I have mixed feelings about them. I decided after some kind of weird self-imposed pressure to be more spontaneous, to go out with my roommate and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is actually a lot of fun. I'm not exactly sure what they say to each other when I'm not around, nor do I care. All I know is that when I am there he and I pretty much talk to each other and then he takes a break to make out with my roommate every now and again. So anyhow he just graduated from his Naval nuclear engineering program so they conned me into going out with them to celebrate.
I was told that every time my roommate goes out with these Navy guys that she's pretty much the only girl and that she wanted to some other girls around to hang out with. I still don't really know anyone here and I try to make myself be outgoing every now and again so that was pretty much my thought process. I need friends, only single girl, bunch of Navy guys. That has to equal a good time, right?
It did for a while. I really was drinking significantly less than everyone else though so that started to get awkward. Every now and then shots would apear in front of me so pretty much the only way I could get them to stop trying to get me to drink was to tell them I'd had enough and if I drank anymore I'd probably start crying. I guess I forgot to mention that there were not "fifteen single guys" as my roommate described, but couples as far as the eye could see. I myself was sitting in a booth with two couples. At one point no one was talking and I yelled out over the music, "Hey do you guys remember that dating show The Fifth Wheel?" Anyway, eventually they stopped trying to get me to drink, but then just tried to get me to dance. Um, I don't do that. There is really a finite amount of times you can say that before you either have to leave, or acquiesce. Since I was completely broke and couldn't pay for a cab, I was forced to do the latter. Only for about half a song before I got away though.
The really annoying part happened about 30 minutes before last call. I was sitting in the booth, alone, kind of just wanting to go home since my roommate was somewhere making out and there were just couples everywhere. A guy came and sat down next to me who I recognized from some of my roommates pictures. We started talking and joked around. He got a little touchy-feely, but not too bad. Plus he was pretty cute even though he has a shaved head and Will Smith ears. My roommate and her boyfriend came over and the boy next to me leaned across the table to talk to the boyfriend. I mean it was some weird private conversation where he hid behind his hand and everything so we couldn't figure out what they were saying. All I know is that right afterward he invited me to go swimming at his apartment and my roommate and her boyfriend tried to leave me. I looked up and they were getting up to go and when I inquired about what the hell they thought they were doing her boyfriend just looked at me and said, "Oh are you coming back with us? Or did you want to stay?" What the hell, man? I had literally just met the guy that my roommate then encouraged me to go skinny-dipping with. Um, I don't do that. It was then revealed that this boy didn't even remember my name. We pretty much got kicked out at this point, because the bar was closing and the boy that I was being handed off to kept telling me I was "too uptight and needed to loosen up."
Thanks for the advice, douche-bag. I'll keep that in mind.
I was told that every time my roommate goes out with these Navy guys that she's pretty much the only girl and that she wanted to some other girls around to hang out with. I still don't really know anyone here and I try to make myself be outgoing every now and again so that was pretty much my thought process. I need friends, only single girl, bunch of Navy guys. That has to equal a good time, right?
It did for a while. I really was drinking significantly less than everyone else though so that started to get awkward. Every now and then shots would apear in front of me so pretty much the only way I could get them to stop trying to get me to drink was to tell them I'd had enough and if I drank anymore I'd probably start crying. I guess I forgot to mention that there were not "fifteen single guys" as my roommate described, but couples as far as the eye could see. I myself was sitting in a booth with two couples. At one point no one was talking and I yelled out over the music, "Hey do you guys remember that dating show The Fifth Wheel?" Anyway, eventually they stopped trying to get me to drink, but then just tried to get me to dance. Um, I don't do that. There is really a finite amount of times you can say that before you either have to leave, or acquiesce. Since I was completely broke and couldn't pay for a cab, I was forced to do the latter. Only for about half a song before I got away though.
The really annoying part happened about 30 minutes before last call. I was sitting in the booth, alone, kind of just wanting to go home since my roommate was somewhere making out and there were just couples everywhere. A guy came and sat down next to me who I recognized from some of my roommates pictures. We started talking and joked around. He got a little touchy-feely, but not too bad. Plus he was pretty cute even though he has a shaved head and Will Smith ears. My roommate and her boyfriend came over and the boy next to me leaned across the table to talk to the boyfriend. I mean it was some weird private conversation where he hid behind his hand and everything so we couldn't figure out what they were saying. All I know is that right afterward he invited me to go swimming at his apartment and my roommate and her boyfriend tried to leave me. I looked up and they were getting up to go and when I inquired about what the hell they thought they were doing her boyfriend just looked at me and said, "Oh are you coming back with us? Or did you want to stay?" What the hell, man? I had literally just met the guy that my roommate then encouraged me to go skinny-dipping with. Um, I don't do that. It was then revealed that this boy didn't even remember my name. We pretty much got kicked out at this point, because the bar was closing and the boy that I was being handed off to kept telling me I was "too uptight and needed to loosen up."
Thanks for the advice, douche-bag. I'll keep that in mind.
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