I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal

So this past week was a little interesting for me socially. I got talked into going on a super, super lame date with a coast guard from my Krav class. He was nice enough I guess, but pretty clueless and just not my type at all. It was still kind of fun though because I got to do everything I try not to on a date. I sent texts, bossed him around, lectured him about recycling, popped out with the info that I was raised Mormon, told him about some of the fist fights I've been in, and told he and his friends that I don't like to be touched. Ever. Also the party was hosted at the SC Aquarium so I got to see that for free which I loved. Poor kid kept trying to find stuff we have in common, but it was a futile effort. He even went so far as to say he almost got into a fight a couple of weeks ago when I told him I've been in fights before. Upon further investigation it was actually determined that his friend almost got into a fight trying to break one up at a bar, but he was nearby. What a badass.

Another benefit of this date was that I think it might have actually served as a wakeup call to the other Krav guy I've been eyeing. He and I have been on two dates this week and even though we've had a really good time he still manages to leave me kind of scratching my head thinking, "What the hell just happened here?" I think the interactions are progressing though. You might wonder why I keep pursuing the situation. Excellent question. This guy is basically my ideal type and I've put about five months of sexual harassment and manipulation into it already. That's a lot of work to throw away. I probably just jinxed it. He and I have a very fragile equilibrium to maintain that with one false move sends our relationship plummeting into a chasm of awkwardness that takes weeks to climb out of. I guess that's what happens when two of the strangest people on the planet attempt to spend quality time together.

Also, this week I attended my very first hockey game with a couple girlfriends I have down here. It was fun, but a little weird. I guess I don't know hockey as well as I thought I did because apparently there's a thing where two players can fist fight until it gets taken to the ground and then they get put in the penalty box for a while as punishment? I was unimpressed with their fighting skills first of all, and secondly I just didn't fully understand the point. Help from anyone?

So that's right folks, I had--count them--three dates in one week and a girls night. That's more social interaction than I've had in at least a month I think. I'll probably need to rest up till next year. Funny side note: the coast guard sent me a text today saying he had fun last week and did I want to come to dinner party on Sunday. Aside from the fact that even if we did have fun it is unacceptable that you are just now texting me five days later. As it is, really, you had fun? Were we on the same date?

This is Wayne's World

So I've finally gotten some inspiration for my very first post-graduation art project. I'm having a little trouble figuring out exactly how to represent my concept, but I thought you guys might have some input. You know me, I'm a thinker not so much a doer.

What I'm hoping to do is to draw a comparison between the work of Lil Wayne and what was being done with the De Stijl movement, specifically Mondrian. I don't really like either one of these artists, but I think there are some similarities between how things are being reduced to the most basic elements and then being repeated with slight variation and then mass produced. Does that make sense? I don't mean to say that he is sitting in the studio with the above objective, but the fact of the matter is that he is repeating the same basic elements over and over again. Mondrian and Lil Wayne are both so widely circulated and easily recognized. I guess it would be a little satirical on my part because even though I don't like Mondrian, I abhor Lil Wayne and definitely don't think he deserves the artistic respect he is given.

Anyway, I'm a little torn as to what I actually want to do. I kind of want to make it a large scale sort of installation with the De Stijl primary colors and a lot of text for Lil Wayne's lyrics. I want it so be overwhelming so it emphasizes how mass produced these artists are. I kind of want to use linoleum block printing so there is a lot of repetition. Maybe some really big "hahaha" prints since Lil Wayne basically just laughs for punctuation or when he can't think of a rhyme. Of course have everything very geometric and on a strict grid and have it overall look like one of Mondrian's compositions.

My other idea is to make it a Flash illustration that would be able to combine actual Lil Wayne music with animated De Stijl compositions. This has the potential to be more interactive and easily accessible whereas the other would have to be documented with photographs.

Just in case you don't know who Mondrian is (then you're kind of ruining my concept), here are couple of samples of his work:


And for more information on the actual De Stijl movement itself, you can look here.

God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You

On you, DVR. The love of my life. Having this last week off has really driven home exactly how much TV I watch. At the risk of causing my brother and sister-in-law to have a heart attack, I've decided to outline my TV lineup for those of you who care...

Sunday
1) Tough Love:
I've mentioned this one on my blog before, but is definitely one of the most amazing shows on television. A show where a brutally blunt matchmaker takes a group of women and puts them through an intensive dating boot camp to help them achieve successful romantic relationships. Despite the fact that I should probably be on this show, I find it awesome. The second season has started today and it's a little rough. Rough because I have way too much in common with these ladies. That's a story for another day though, let's focus on my TV habit. Evidence of my addiction is that I recognize one of the women as one of the mothers from a previous VH1 reality show hosted by Danny Bonaduce about stage moms. Oh, also, I'm kind of in love with the matchmaker host. He's not exactly my physical type, but just enough asshole to keep my interest. My favorite quote for this week, "Men are going to judge you right away to see if your uncomplicated and fun, or if you're going to suck the life right out of them."

2) Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew:
Exactly what it sounds like. A show documenting the rehab process for a group of "celebrity" sex addicts. I haven't actually heard of any of the people on the show, but they range from beauty queens, to playboy bunnies, to porn stars, to pro surfers. I've never quite bought the whole, "Sorry sweetie, I'm a sex addict" thing, but this show makes some compelling arguments.

3) Desperate Housewives:
I don't really know why I still watch this show. I think because I'm in love the character Mike. An ex-con, plumber, now good husband and father with a permanent five o'clock shadow...come on.

4) Mad Men:
Last week was the season finale. I'm addicted to the sixties styling and costuming. I wish people still dressed like that and drank on the job. I could do without the sexual harassment though.

5) Curb Your Enthusiasm:
I mean, just hilarious. I unfortunately really empathize with Larry David. More so in previous seasons when he was genuinely trying to do nice things for people but pretty much failed miserably. He's kind of mean nowadays, but so am I so I guess I've evolved with the show.

6) Californication:
Speaking of sex addictions this show features a "real life" sex addict David Duchovny in a role where the character is clearly addicted as well. It's OK though because he's a formally successful author so he apparently has license to sleep with everyone and drink as much as possible. I like this show because it's witty and well-written despite the gratuitous sex.

7) Dexter:
A pretty morbid show about a serial killer who works as a blood spatter specialist with the Miami police department. He only kills people who have committed crimes like child molestation, rapes, or murders (until last week). It can be pretty gory and there's a fair amount of nudity and whatnot. I know this is going to make me sound crazy, but I like it because I can kind of identify with him sometimes. He is constantly analyzing why he does the things he does and feels detached from human nature. I kind of get that. I don't react to most things the way the general public does which makes it hard to relate to people. I don't kill people though. Just want to make that clear. I also really like the music for this show. I don't know how Joshua would feel about it...

Monday
1) For the Love of Ray J:
Completely ridiculous. A VH1 "dating" show for R&B artist Ray J who is also known as Brandy's little brother. It's basically a show for strippers to get more attention so they can be feature dancers when they get home and make more money. It's still kind of entertaining. I don't really need to DVR it since VH1 replays it every day several times a day.

2) I Want to Work for Diddy:
I just want to say that I love Diddy. I think he's delightfully arrogant and really, really funny. This show is an apprentice style show with people competing to be Mr. Combs's assistant. He has them do some pretty ludicrous things, but it's all in the name of good TV. My favorite quote from the last episode (one contestant to another), "You're not even a person you're a collection of thoughts and ideas that you've stolen from other people. Now go on sista-girl me to death." Snap!

3) How I Met Your Mother:
I still maintain this show went down hill after the writer's strike a couple years ago. It's still pretty good but has kind of lost some of its shimmer. Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel are still amazing though.

4) The Big Bang Theory:
A group of stereotypically nerdy scientists who live across the hall from a hot girl who hangs out with them for some reason. This season she is dating one of the nerds which is obviously very unbelievable, but that's OK. The nerd is played by David from Roseanne and the hot girl is played by Kaley Cuoco from 8 Simple Rules and Charmed. The main character, Sheldon, is so hilarious and another person who doesn't feel things in a "normal" way therefore making him more identifiable for me. The point is this show is funny. You just have to watch and see.

Tuesday
1) Chopped:
A cross between a Top Chef quickfire and Iron Chef. Contestants are presented with baskets of surprise ingredients that they then have to make into a dish. Three rounds: appetizer, entree, dessert. All the rounds are pretty short, 20 or 30 minutes. At the end one of the chefs earns $10,000 for his/her efforts.

2) So You Think You Can Dance:
I'm jealous of anyone with coordination. I am one of the most clumsy people I konw and definitely have no rhythm. Plus it has some cool music.

Wednesday
1) Top Chef:
This season is unfortunately winding down, but it's been a very tough competition. For those of you living under a rock, this is a show where chefs are tested on their skills and at the end win $100,000 and a feature in Food & Wine magazine. More importantly you get pretend like you get to eat some really good food. But you can't. Because it's on TV.

2) So You Think You Can Dance Results Show:
I have to find out who's getting kicked off!

3) Nip/Tuck:
This show is kind of too gross and morbid for me, but I watched the season premiere so now I have to keep watching it.

Thursday
Tuesday and Wednesday are light days because I have to rest up for Thursday. It's about as intense as Sunday.

1) Community:
I'm still on the fence about this show. I love Joel McHale, but I have a hard time paying attention sometimes. A guy who used to be a lawyer, but never actually went to college so is now going to community college to eventually earn his degree but doesn't really want to be there?

2) Parks and Recreation:
I didn't watch the first season of this show, but I'm really liking the second season. Despite the fact that the mockumentary format is completely ripped off from The Office, following a small department of the local government is surprisingly entertaining. The token Indian guy is pretty hilarious as well.

3) The Office:
It's gotten a little boring lately, but still pretty awesome. I did kind of feel like they were making fun of me when Dwight was giving that martial arts seminar this past Thursday though. There isn't a clip just yet, but I'll post one when it becomes available.

4) 30 Rock:
As time goes on it becomes more and more apparent that I am Liz Lemon. Like about a week ago when I was talking to a guy I like thinking the conversation was going really well, only to realize that I had peanut butter all over my pants. We share frizzy hair and rectangular glasses that say, "Don't look directly into my eyes." Humor is our defense mechanism and things go wrong on a regular basis. The show is so quirky and funny. I wish I could find a buddy like Alec Baldwin.

5) Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia:
If only I had a gang to terrorize the planet with. Also this show contains the love of my life: Charlie. A short, unkempt, illiterate, smelly bar janitor with freckles who sleeps on a fold out couch with Danny DeVito. It's really hard to adequately describe this show. You really just have to watch it. My favorite recent quote, "I only have so much time left on this planet. I wanna get real weird with it."

6) The League:
A new sitcom on FX about a group of guys who participate in a fantasy football league. It sounds really lame but it is very funny. "I keep a slam list on my phone." "Why in case you need to battle rap someone?" You'll recognize a lot of the cast from Best Week Ever on VH1.

7) Project Runway:
This show reminds me of my college days. Working your fingers to the bone so that other people see and appreciate your vision. Even though they hardly ever do. Some of you might remember my teenage dream to be a fashion designer. Thank goodness I didn't follow through with that. If I feel like graphic design is to pressure filled can you imagine how I would have faired in the fashion industry? There aren't enough Tim Gunns in the world to encourage me.

8) The Real Housewives of Whatever:
Whether it be Orange County, Atlanta, New Jersey, or New York this show is AWESOME. It's so superficial and ridiculous. These women are obviously forced to hang out with each other and they are so out of touch with every day life that it helps you zone out for an hour and not think about the fact that you can't pay your rent. Except this season of Orange County when all the women seem to be going broke because they lived beyond their means and now have no income. So sad. More evidence of my addiction: I recognize one of the wives from New Jersey (Dina) as one of the brides from Platinum Weddings on the WE network.

Friday
1) Ugly Betty:
This is another show where I probably enjoy the set and costume design more than the actual story line. It is a kind of sweet show though. It's soap opera meets sitcom meets something fashiony.

2) Say Yes to the Dress:
Chronicling brides choosing their wedding dress at Kleinfelds in New York. I don't DVR this, but I do watch it pretty much whenever it's on.

Other shows I watch when in season: Weeds, Entourage, Flipping Out (Jeff Lewis is the gay man version of me), Big Love, Bad Girls Club (Starts Dec 1st), Monk (almost over, so sad), Psych, and Modern Family.

I'm not really sure why I watch Weeds or Entourage. I find the main character of Weeds (Nancy Botwin) to be deplorable and a horrible role model for women but also just people in general. Entourage is kind of the man version of Sex and the City which is kind of funny. There is not one single strong female character on the show due to the fact that all the writers are chauvinistic men, but I still really like it. I like Ari played by Jeremy Pivens. I identify with his rage and exasperation. I like the soundtrack too.

Things I'll watch when I feel like it: Snapped (awesome true show on Oxygen about women who all of a sudden freak out and kill a significant other), Whose Wedding is it Anyway?, House, True Life, reruns of Frasier.

As you can tell my tv dance card is pretty full. It has been suggested to me that I should start watching Glee (on Fox), Sons of Anarchy (on FX), and True Blood (on Showtime), but I'm already pretty exhausted by what I've already committed to. It's basically a part-time job. I realize it's kind of overboard, but my TV keeps me company. I know that probably isn't the most socially healthy thing, but I can always count on it and trust it. It also used to give really good concepts for art projects. I can't really use that excuse since I haven't done one since project since graduating from college almost a year ago. Still though TV and DVR are going to be bridesmaids at my fictional wedding which will obviously never occur because I don't go anywhere or meet anyone. But at least I'll get good relationship advice from Tough Love, and I'll be able to pick out my wedding dress from Kleinfeld's by watching Say Yes to the Dress, and I'll be able to handle my wedding planner by watching Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Well I met my goal of going to all my Krav classes last week. I went to five and had 13 bruises by the end of it. A few you couldn't see, but I could certainly feel. One of them is about four inches long and three inches wide and was caused by a very small pinch to the skin. I'll probably try to go as many as possible this week too, because I still don't know what my schedule will be. It's kind of annoying actually.

My last day at Red's was yesterday. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but there is a tradition to throw people in the creek the restaurant is set on when it's their last day. No one would do it because they didn't want to be physically injured. I kind of wanted them to at least attempt it to see if I could cause any damage in a real situation, but alas, no takers. It's something I think about a lot though. I don't know if I could actually use the things I'm learning because I know how much they would hurt. I mean I would have to be in some serious danger to implement an elbow to the face, a palm strike under the chin, or a scissor kick to the knee. I know people in there that use this stuff when bar fights are picked though. I'm just not that angry anymore. I guess during my teen years when I tried to calm down because I realized all the boys were too scared to ask me on dates I just learned to walk away before I hit that point.

But I digress, I have the whole week off before I start my new job. What to do, what to do. I could go visit the fam in Rock Hill, work on design stuff, make my five year plan so I don't have to invent one on the spot when asked about it...Maybe all of them? Meh. I'll probably just watch TV.

Assistant TO The General Manager

So I got the job. I obviously have mixed feelings about it, but overall I think I'm excited. It'll be nice to have a little extra income, but it will be an adjustment to wait for a paycheck versus having cash in my pocket. Either way the money goes to bills so it's not that different, right? It's a step up at any rate and I'll be working with the General Manager to straighten up the restaurant. The owners talked to me for about 45 minutes yesterday about how to assert my authority. It was pretty difficult not to just stop them and say, "Dude, I've got it. That's one thing I don't need help with." After that they kept talking about how because I'm a girl the kitchen staff are going to give me hard time, but it's really just flirting. It's nothing I haven't encountered before, but I'm sure that just as in the past the kitchen staff will realize that I'm not very receptive that kind of behavior.

It was also mentioned to me on Monday by one of my instructors that I should be able to test into level 2 in Krav soon. It's been my goal to do that before the holidays, but I'm kind of ambivalent right now. There are certain people in level 2 that I'm not that interested in having class with, and I also just don't feel like I have the stamina to keep up yet. I'm just now starting to feel like I'm in the upper echelon of level 1 so starting over isn't really something I'm interested in.

I've made it to all of my classes so far this week. My neck is extremely sore, but other than that I'm pretty much OK. One of the girls in class told me she went to five classes a day for a week. I don't think I'll ever want to do that.

My Goals and Stuff

I'm trying to gear up for my interview tomorrow. It's a job I don't especially want, but need very much. I've decided to go ahead and take the restaurant job if it is ever offered to me. I just can't continue worrying about money every second of every day. It makes my life that much less enjoyable and I've been doing that for quite some time now. There are the obvious downfalls like I'll have to tell everyone at my high school reunion that I went to college for absolutely no reason and now run a restaurant. I don't really like that. There is also the chance that I will become stuck in the restaurant industry like the quicksand that it is and then the R.O.U.Ses will come and devour me. If only...

Anyway, I need to mentally prepare because I quite often say really ridiculous things when I'm nervous thinking I'm just being funny. I do feel a little dishonest since I am thinking that I will need to move somewhere else by the end of my lease and they are looking for someone who is interested in moving up in the ranks of their company. I feel dishonest but I also don't really care. It is just a restaurant and they can certainly find a replacement if I don't like it and still want to move by July. I really don't see myself living here past that right now though. I like Charleston, I just don't really like the people. Even though it's always taken me a long time to make friends, I've lived here eight months and still wouldn't call any of these people my friends. Of course I would need to start from scratch again if I go somewhere else. That sounds tiring.

I have promised myself that with the extra money I'll be making, I'll finally take myself on one of the volunteer trips I've been talking about for the last three years. I won't really have any excuses so you guys need to hold me to it.

And in shorter term goals, I've decided I'm going to attend all the Krav classes I that my schedule allows. That's five not including the sparring class. I probably won't go to that one. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling like a jackass when I'm there because I'm not as good as I want to be and not going therefore not learning because I feel like a jackass. Also I just want to see how my body holds up by the end of the week to kind of gauge how many classes I can really handle. Sometimes I don't give myself a chance because I'm being too protective of my medical stuff. Screw that.

I Got 99 Problems And A Bitch Is One

I can't lie I've been pretty frustrated lately. I'm not doing so well in Krav, I'm having boy troubles, I'm running out of money, I'm basically dissatisfied with everything. Admittedly, this is part of a cycle for me. Every few weeks I want to scrap my life entirely and start from scratch. The beauty of being so unattached to everything is that I am perfectly capable of doing so. I'm single, no children, no real reason to commit myself to anything I don't want to. That could change pretty soon here though. No I'm not pregnant, but I do need to be making some choices about my work life.

I have a third interview for the restaurant manager position. They want to go over details about the job to make sure it's something I can handle. I know I can handle it, I just don't want to do it. The only thing motivating me to accept this position is the money. I would have a respectable salary that would allow me to live comfortably for now and maybe even allow me some extra for travel and dare I say it, a social life. They are looking for someone who is interested in moving up in the ranks. They also keep insinuating that the staff will try to break me and intimidate me which doesn't especially make me excited to take this job. It's a little bit of a commute, about 40 mintues. I wouldn't have any health care for a year and even then I guess they set up some account that basically builds for the purposes of paying off medical bills. It isn't really insurance it's just a health care account or something.

I have also been contacted about one of the Americorps positions I applied for a couple of months ago. I would basically be coordinating a mentoring program for underprivileged children here in Charleston. It would be a year contract. I would be paid enough to be considered at poverty level. I'm not even entirely sure this would pay all my bills, but I would definitely enjoy the work more. It would also be much better for my resume in the long run than a managing position or a waitressing position. I would also be given a lump sum at the end to put toward my mountain of college loans. (Side note: the five and a half years that I spent in college struggling to pay my way through equates to just about one year at a Mormon private school in say, Virginia. Hmmm). This job also comes with awesome health care.

I never really thought I would be the type of person to have to think about this decision. I've always wanted a job that mattered, that made me feel good about contributing something. I just don't know if I have it in me to struggle financially anymore. I'm constantly worried about money and it's an awful feeling. If I take the Americorps job I'm not allowed to have a second job to make a little extra. I'm not even sure I can do freelance jobs because I can't have any income that needs to be reported on my taxes. It has to do with the benefits for the job and a bunch of legal stuff that I don't fully understand.

I haven't been offered the Americorps job yet so I guess I am getting ahead of myself. I'm just trying to consider if it's something I still want to pursue. Or rather, still financially able to pursue. It's a difficult decision. And boy troubles to boot.

FML

So, tonight when I realized I was sitting in my apartment on a Friday night eating ice cream and drinking firefly peach vodka in my workout clothes while watching Say Yes to the Dress and texting a guy about how he accidentally called me a bitch when he was drunk last night, I decided to look at FMyLife.com. Nothing like reading about other people's sucky lives to cheer a gal up.

My favorite: "Today I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML." I think this one was especially funny to me because it reminded me of the time in high school when I was taking French 2 and we had to write a paragraph describing our bedrooms. I had recently been kicked out of my house and therefore did not have a bedroom so I wrote a paragraph describing an imaginary cardboard box for me to live in. It made my teacher a little uncomfortable.

Also, before anyone freaks out about the aforementioned bitch comment, it really was an accident. It was like a "What's up, bitch?" kind of context. I think he forgot he was talking to a girl because when I said, "Um, did you just call me a bitch?" he immediately took it back and tried to cover it up. Plus, he was very apologetic when I brought it up today.

So I didn't get the Baked management position. Boo. I have had one interview for a management position at a restaurant. I've been selected for a second interview next week. Even though I think I would've liked the Baked position more, this job will pay more. It's a salaried position and it will definitely do more for my overall resume than waiting tables. I think it will also allow me time and resources to pursue more art projects. Cross your fingers.

In other news I'm going to attempt my first sparring class tonight. I'm really nervous I'll make an ass of myself. I hate the sensation of being embarrassed more than most other unwelcome emotions I think. In addition to that, if I'm not picking things up quickly I'm really just holding my partner back which kind of adds to the embarrassment. We'll see what happens.

Half Baked

I just interviewed for an assistant manager's position at a local bakery called Baked. I say it's local, but it's actually the second location; the first being in Brooklyn, NYC. Is all that punctuation right? Meh, who cares...

Anyway, I met one owner today and he was just too cute. I'm pretty sure he's gay, but he's just this nerdy little spacey guy who obviously has too much on his plate. I really hope I get the job. We all know how much I love baked goods and, funny coincidence, the other owner used to be a graphic designer. If you looked at the website, you can see the packaging and everything is pretty awesome.

Of course, if I get this job I will have to leave Red's or drastically cut back my hours. Boohoo. That means I won't be able to have any more conversations such as the following:

Teenager: "Hey can you tie my shoe?"

Me: "Are you fucking shitting me? Why can't you tie your own damn shoe?"

Teenager (Rolling eyes): "Uh, because my jeans are too tight and I can't bend over."

...............

Me: "I think I have morning sickness. I just can't even look at food right now. Don't tell Donovan though he doesn't know yet."

Teenager #2: "Um, morning sickness is, like, a pregnancy thing."

Me: "Wait, what? Really?"

Teenager #2 (laughing at me): "Uh, yeah."

Me: "Oh, never mind then."

..............

After repeatedly being provoked into fighting I put everything down, got into fighting stance and said...

Me: "Alright let's do this. Let's go."

Obnoxious guy (laughing at me): "Haha, I can't fight you ."

Me: "Well you seemed to think so when my back was turned."

Obnoxious guy (laughing at me): "Fighting you would be like fighting my little brother."

Me: "How so?"

Obnoxious guy: "Because I would be laughing the whole time."

Me: "That's extremely rude and I'm very offended. And, I don't think you'd be laughing too much when I throw an elbow to your face."

Later...

Obnoxious guy: "I just mean I would be laughing because I wouldn't be taking it seriously."

Me: "I'm not really sure how you thought that would make it better, but I'm even more pissed off now."

For several days he kept asking me if I was still mad at him until...

Me: "Look, I'm going to be mad at you until you show some remorse. The fact of the matter is you have no idea what I'm like in a fight and I'm really tired of the male mentality around this place that if you give me distance I'll forget why I'm mad. I very much remember why I'm angry and the fact that you think that I'll forget makes me feel that much more belittled therefore making me even more angry. So don't talk to me until you're ready to genuinely apologize to me."

He walked off.

................

Girl: "How do you spell ludicrous?"

Me: "L-U-D-I-C-R-O-U-S."

Girl: "I don't think that's right. There's an A in it somewhere 'cause the rapper always says 'It's Luda!!' You know?"

Me: "I do know, but he changed the spelling because his name is Chris. He spells it L-U-D-A-C-R-I-S. The word is spelled the other way."

Girl: "I don't think that's right. There's an A in it somewhere."

Me: "Just in the rapper's name. He changed the spelling."

I wrote the two words out so she could see.

Girl: "I just don't think that's right. He's always saying, 'Hey yo it's Luda!!!' You know?"

Me: "Yes. He just changed the spelling."

Girl (To someone else): "Hey, how do you spell ludicrous. Isn't there an A in it?"

Me (Pulling my own hair): "Holy fuck nuts, are you kidding me?"

...............

Me: "I think I should get a life size zen garden like in the Next Karate Kid where Hilary Swank has to jump from that big rock without disturbing the sand. Wasn't that in the Next Karate Kid?"

Wannabe Thug: "I don't know I just never thought Mr. Myagi was legit. I'd rather have Jean Claude Van Damme on my side any day, you know what I'm sayin?"

Me: "You have got to be kidding me. Mr. Myagi is the shit. No one can take him."

Wannabe Thug: "Whatever he's like up in the mountains teaching the five finger death touch and Van Damme's like a real dude, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Me: "I do know what you're saying, but I think you're talking about Kill Bill. You're mixing your Martial Arts metaphors."

Wannabe Thug: "You just don't get it. It's like I'm looking at you it's just going right over your head, you know what I'm saying?"

Me: "I did get it. I just didn't think it was funny."

Wannabe Thug: "Nah, I'm like up here (holding one hand up) and you're like down here (apparently by his waist)."

Me: "Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there. Because right now you're trying to imply that you're smarter than me and you're not, so shut it."

Wannabe Thug: "Whoa."

Me: "I do know what you're saying, I do get it, I just don't think it's funny. There's a difference."

..............

There's oh so much more, but this is already getting prettttty long.

Lately...

1- I've been redecorating my apartment. I'm pretty much doing it solo because my roommate has atrocious taste and would put rubber duckies and zebra print everywhere if I let her. That isn't an exaggeration either. I'm probably putting more money into than I should right now, but I'd really like to have a nice apartment for once in my life. I'll post pictures when it comes together a little more.

2- I'm trying to get a grasp on my plans for the near future. I feel as though I can't move forward with my design work until I invest in a digital SLR and even an entry level one will put a dent in my savings for the winter. Not that I've really managed to save much. The restaurant I work at is slowly but steadily dying off as it becomes fall. Money hasn't become a problem yet, but I'd rather not wait until it is a problem. Should I stick with waiting tables and hope I get some money together to afford to get something else going? Should I try and get a desk job that isn't as hard on my body and has a steady paycheck? IDK, LOL, WTF, BRB...

3- I'm also pretty annoyed with my place of employment because they refuse to let me be a bouncer. I know this sounds ridiculous, but anyone who really knows me knows I would make a phenomenal bouncer. I have a forbidding look, I'm well-versed in conflict resolution methods, and if all else fails I am now a trained fighter. Unfortunately, I am also female which apparently means they won't even talk to me about it. The guy that hires the bouncer said I have to knock out one of the managers that probably has about 80 lbs on me. I'm pretty sure I could still do it, but this manager refuses to fight me on the basis that I am a girl. Infuriating. Then, one of the actual bouncers keeps walking up behind me while I'm working and tries to provoke a fight with me by poking me, knocking me sideways, or some other type of obnoxiousness. Finally I put all my stuff down got in my fighting stance and told him I was ready to go. I said he couldn't fight me because he would laugh the whole time. I told him that was offensive and he just made me really angry. He came up later to "apologize" by saying what he meant was that he would be laughing because he wouldn't be able to take it seriously. I said once I threw an elbow in his face he might take it more seriously and I was still pissed off.

The thing is that I brought up my being a bouncer half jokingly, but the second they shut me down so abruptly I got really annoyed. The management said I look to friendly and lack in the stature needed to do the job. This is completely ludicrous to me because my whole I've been told how intimidating and unapproachable I am. I feel like me efforts to be friendly in a new environment have backfired. Also, these guys are the worst bouncers I've ever seen. They just wander around and hit on girls and talk to the underage hostesses all night. I can do that.

F*ck You, F*ck You, F*ck You, You're Cool, and F*ck You

So I've been kind of silent the past little while in the hopes that I would have something positive to post soon. I don't. But, if you still want to listen I'm going to rant.

A- Jamie came to my place of work to drink tonight. I was informed of this when I was cashing out and instantaneously became enraged and began shaking. I was told to "not make a scene by my manager." Yeah thanks, jerk off, I've never had a job before. After clocking out I changed my shirt and walked around the bar in search of Jamie. I went up to her and said her name about four times without her turning around. Finally someone pointed at me and I still had to wave my hand in front of her face to get her attention. I then asked her when she was going to give me my money. The bills are due in two days. She said she would pay it. I asked her two more times and told her how much it was and she said she would pay it. I walked off after that. Mostly because I was so overcome with the feeling to punch her in the face as hard as I could as I was concerned I might get fired for that. I then chugged a shot that is really meant for at least two people and had a couple mixed drinks. I tried to get a couple of the security guards to just stand really close to her and make her feel uncomfortable. They wouldn't do it. I'm convinced they're useless. I noticed Jamie's douchey crew leaving so I did a bionic women slow-motion run through the bar (literally) and went and sat on the railing by the front door. The general manager was out there so I couldn't really say anything so I just waived and said, " You guys have a great night."

B- Now, I mentioned I changed my shirt. We're not allowed to drink in our work shirts so I changed into a worn teal polo with hole in it that used to be Megan's. I think she might have gotten it from a thrift store. It's pretty old and I think it's a men's shirt, but I really like it. My point is that I was wearing this shirt around the bar and several of the employees made some snide comments about it. When the third or fourth person said something I asked why everyone was hating on my shirt and what the big deal was about me wearing it. I also said I was going to move back to Boone where my looks are appreciated and no one would look at me twice for wearing this shirt. The guy, Billy, said well Charleston is superior because it has style. He also said how I should just naturally want to look nice. I walked off to close my tab, but the subject was brought up again as I was trying to leave. I told him that the real problem is that guys expect girls to look perfect all the time and that I'm beautiful even if I don't dress up. He actually turned to me and said, "You should have enough respect for yourself to want to look nice all the time." I fucking flipped. I got right up in his face and asked him if he seriously just said that to me. Then I looked around and realized there was a security guard near by and the general manager. I told him he better not ever say anything like that to me again and if he thought I was pissed before I was way beyond that now. I'm pretty sure I asked him to hit me to I could hit him back without getting in trouble.

C- Eventually I just walked off and went home. To put icing on the cake when I got to my car I checked my phone and saw that my current roommate sent my text saying her boyfriend was staying the night. This might not sound like a big deal except for the fact that I told her before we ever signed the lease that might one hang-up is that I didn't want her boyfriend around all the time. She agreed. In the two weeks she's been here she has been away from him for four full days. Not consecutively. The last time he was here they left me at the bar. I told her at that time I didn't want him around for a while. She agreed. Hmmm. I'm so close to fucking breaking my lease and moving somewhere where people realize that I'm beautiful, smart, and funny and I don't have to deal with all this fucking bullshit. I'M SICK OF IT!!! I could seriously hit something right. now. I'm never this pissed in time for my Krav classes.

I Ain't Your Bitch, Bitch

I don't think it will surprise any of my readers to learn that I've always had an anger problem. When I was very young I internalized all my anger until I erupted and bit my sisters with such ferocity that there was no way to convince me to release them. When I got a little older I actually began getting into physical altercations. "Fist fights," choke holds, shoving wars here and there. The last fight I've been in was the little situation at the dollar theater in Morganton with DJ and Brittany. That's right I'm super classy.

I'm bringing all of this up now, because since that fight I've tried really hard to get my temper under control. I still have a reputation for having a temper, but it's more for being extremely honest with people than anything else. I've actually been really proud of the fact that I no longer get into physical spats. The problem is that I think I've reverted to that small girl that takes shit and internalizes it until one day I fucking explode. That's not to say I don't speak my mind, I definitely still do. It's just that there are times when my temper is pushed to the limit and I don't do anything because I'm scared of what I'll do if I confront a situation.

That's kind of what's happening with my old roommate and my new roommate. I don't want to get into the minutiae of the situation, but basically I'm getting played for about $100. In the big scheme of things it isn't much money. It's kind of the principle of the thing though. I am not responsible for paying this money. Should I just let it go to lessen the stress in my life? Could I live with myself knowing I let someone roll over me like that? Do I really want to take it to court which is what it seems is going to happen? This situation reminds of a watered down version of how I felt when I got a restraining order against Brittany. I got that order not because I was scared of her or felt threatened in any way. It was to prove a point and also to protect her from me. I may take Jamie to court not because I can't find the $100 to pay the bills she refuses to pay, but to prove a point. I don't think I can allow someone to get away with speaking to me the way she does. Also, I find it ridiculous that someone who brags about making $50,000 a year at age 24 and flaunts her money with name brand everything, is trying so hard to make a waitress who can barely make ends meet at times pay her bills for her. I'm sorry I know that was a crazy long run-on sentence.

I Prefer Stalking Over Dating, Thank You

So, I found the perfect solution for my boy problem.

I bought this shirt to wear to my next Krav Maga class. OK, not really. Things kind of imploded with him. It's actually really uncomfortable. To the point where I don't even really want to go to class. Hopefully that will subside as most hormonal issues do.

In other news I'm getting quite the reputation around the workplace for being a creepy stalker. It's largely due to the fact that I get really bored at work and say inappropriate things to the bar backs, bartenders, and one specific server. I thought they would know by now that I was just kidding, but that is not the case. One guy in particular has become a little skiddish around me after I asked if I could smell his sweat band. In my defense that comment was exacerbated by the fact that apparently someone told him that I find myself staring and him. I confronted the situation tonight and told him that it's really frustrating when these rumors get spread because I come off a lot creepier than I originally intended. He seemed to find it really funny and interesting that I intended to be creepy at all. I mean you have to do something to pass the time when mindlessly serving people disgusting food.

The Creepy Comment Syndrome is becoming a problem for me though. I've tried setting a goal to go a whole shift without saying anything inappropriate. That goal has yet to be attained. My suspicions of this being a serious problem were confirmed when one server told another that I licked a bottle opener after a specific bar back touched it. That story was actually believed. When I told them that it really hurt my feelings that this story was believed he said, "Well I just thought for a split second it was one of those quirky things you might do to be funny." Um, gross. Come on, I might ask to smell someone's sweat, but I have standards.

60% Of The Time It Works, Every Time

So I've gotten kind of a rep at work for dating people who have been to jail. It's a weak spot I have I guess. I tried to defend myself by saying that I kind of had a thing for bad boys that I wanted to help, but I'm over it now. Then someone brought up my latest crush and how I know him. I said something along the lines of I met him at my Krav Maga studio. He's one of the advanced students. At this point my guy friend started crying he was laughing so hard. I asked him if he was laughing at me. He was. I asked him why and he said, "So, let me get this straight. You've stopped dating guys that have been to jail and have instead moved onto an expert martial artist?" I kind of started laughing too and then he said, "I believe this is what is called an epiphany."

Well, regardless I do have a schoolgirl crush on this guy. I know very little about him, but have been caught staring at him several times and have had at least three short/awkward conversations with him. Including one unnecessarily long one about the little mini cooler he brings to class. It's turquoise with a magenta lid and yellow handle. I think it takes some balls to bring something like that into a marial arts studio. I'm not really sure where I stand with this guy, but he's still really nice to me even though he seriously has caught me staring at him, like, four times. And he's been coming to the bar I work at more frequently it seems. Anyway, I've slowly been collecting information about him via his high schoolmates that I work with, but I'm not sure what to do next. Yeah, I could just cut to the chase and ask him out, but let's face it, I would never do that. Instead, I figured it would be more fun to tell you all what's been running through my head and you guys can pick the best option.

1-So your last name sounds Polish, do you like pierogies?
2-Since your first name is Troy do you feel an obligation to only use Trojan condoms?
3-I really like your cooler. It looks like an 80's dance party.
4-As a landscaper, do you get a lot of cougars hitting on you? I mean like the old ladies not the animal.
5-Um, so staring. Creepy? Flattering? Where am I standing with this?
6-Hey, I noticed you drive an old school Chevy Blazer. Yeah, I used to drive an '89 Bronco so...
7-I noticed you got your hair cut a couple weeks ago. I didn't know if I should say anything, but I like it. Well I liked it, you should probably get another one now.
8-I've been having problems getting out of that backwards choke hold. Do you want to get together later and practice choking each other?
9-Um, I don't mean to be difficult, but you're actually really distracting when you're doing the demos with the teacher. I was wondering if you could possibly ugly it up a little bit? I mean, I do my best to look like shit throughout the class out of consideration for the other students and I don't think it's too much to ask for you to do the same. You know, like maybe don't wipe the sweat from your face with your shirt revealing your abs and so forth.
10-So you mentioned you live near my work. Where exactly do you live?

I Need Another Cupcake

So my Art Making score was made available at 8 AM on Friday for a $30 fee. A little ridiculous especially when it's free at 8 AM on Tuesday morning. I couldn't wait. I know it's immature, but I tried to hold out and was going completely insane. I wish I were more rational, but I'll just add that to the list of things to work on about my personality.

I passed. I passed with a completely average score that kind of looks weird next to my other high score. I'm kind of bummed out. I feel like this only reaffirms the fact that I'm very good at recognizing patterns in thought like standardized tests, but only an average artist. Those who can't do, teach. Right?

Let's Lighten Things Up a Bit

About 2 months ago I got together with a few friends and at a local Charleston restaurant called Lana. Our waiter was a little too quirky, but it was very yummy and the spark that ignited between my future roommate and her now boyfriend. She is dating my old schoolmate that came to celebrate the occasion. I expect to be their flower girl. Anyway, I a girl from work also came with her boyfriend and even though we didn't know each other very well at the time she got me some little vouchers at a place called Cupcake for a present. If I were a better blogger I would take a picture of the vouchers because they are adorable as is everything that is produced by this place. Instead of the typical gift card or certificate they make wooden coins with their logo. She got me six and tied them in a little pink voile pouch. It was very sweet. No pun intended.

Yesterday I went for my very first cupcake. I forgot the vouchers, but decided that was OK because I should save them for when I want a treat, but don't have much money. I went for the most decadent thing possible: Death by Chocolate. I felt like I had earned it for all of my good work ignoring my roommate and internalizing my frustrations. It was a chocolate cupcake with chocolate chips with a mountain of chocolate frosting that also had chocolate chips and sprinkles on top. The frosting was so heavy the cupcake toppled over if it wasn't balanced properly. I ate it before I could take pictures. Next time I promise. The store gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling so I will definitely be back. With my vouchers.

I've been a generally surly mood for the past few days so I haven't been very amped about my Krav classes. I went Tuesday night though and it kicked my ass. We did these conditioning drills with Uno cards. I know it doesn't sound hard core but each color had an assignment: Blue=groin kicks to a pad, Yellow=knee strikes to a pad, Green=push ups, Red=floor sprawls then a pop up into fighting stanch and two punches to a pad. We had to do whatever number was on the card and when a wild card or double was drawn then the real fun began. I was OK at everything but the push ups (I can only do "girl" ones for now) and the floor sprawls. Over the past few years I've learned to favor my right arm so I was putting all my weight on my left arm and right leg and popping up from there. Needless to say my right leg was so sore it felt like it was in a perpetual state of cramping the next day. The good news is that I overheard the guy who runs the place say to another instructor that once I get a little stronger I'll be really good. I hope that's true. As of right now I've learned how to get out of front, side, and backwards choke holds. Additionally, we spent a day learning how to get out of and put someone else in the Muay Thai Clench. So yeah, I'm pretty much a badass now ;)

Alright, It's Like This...

So I can hear you talking and I know that what you're saying in reality is that it's so difficult for you because your ex-boyfriend's friend keeps calling you and he's a bad guy and you know he's a bad guy, but your ex-boyfriend said to be careful about him, but you're not an idiot you can tell a bad guy when you see one and there isn't enough alcohol in Charleston for you to try anything with your ex-boyfriend's friend. What I'm actually hearing is that you realize the guy you tried to leave me with at a bar is a bad person and even you wouldn't do anything with him. I say "even you" because you don't seem to have such discerning taste. Let's face it, you crave attention from men and thrive in it. Everything you do is for that attention and to be completely honest, I find it deplorable and often repulsive. With every spray of your myriad of perfumes and air fresheners, I dry heave a little more. At least you have found a good guy friend to hang out with. As you put it, "It's just nice to have a guy friend that isn't into you. See, he's into black girls."

And every time a conversation is occurring that may not even involve you and you insist on announcing that you're tough because you had a boyfriend that beat on you for eight months I want to scratch my eyes out. I would like to make it clear that dating someone who would beat you neither makes you a good judge of character, nor does it make you a tough person to allow it to occur for eight months. Perhaps I'm callous and judgmental and those are things I should work on about myself, but I hope that I never become so desperate for attention that I say things simply for sympathy or to trump the rest of the conversation.

I returned the shoes you liked. Not because you liked them, but because when I showed them to you and you asked me how much they were, you reveled in the fact that they were exorbitantly expensive. By saying you were proud of me for spending that money made me realize how ridiculous the purchase was. As your mother said, you make over $50,000 a year at 24-years-old, so she must have done something right. I'm 25-years-old and make about $11,000 so I probably wasn't even worthy of the purchase to begin with. But, at least I don't still call my mom, say I'm broke, and beg her to come for three days so she can take me out to eat and fix me dinner.

I want to live a life that I can be proud of. I'm not looking to take care of myself until I find someone that can take care of me. I want a career that helps others in some way and if I'm lucky I'll get paid a respectable amount.

But, continue living your life of superfluous spending and opulence. Continue to say how busy you are because you have a full-time job and then lay out in your spare time. Continue to live your life in ignorance, because if ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on earth.

I'm Going America All Over Your Asses!!!

...Well Israeli. And hopefully it won't come to blows with my readers. This is getting confusing. The point: I'm taking Krav Maga classes! I love them. It's a really good way to let out my frustrations, get back in shape, and learn self-defense. I was pretty nervous going into it, but my instructor is really personable and good at relating everything I learn to real life situations. He had me at, "Let's hit stuff."

For those of you who are a little lost Krave Maga is a form of Israeli street fighting developed in the '30s. It has since been adapted for both civilian and military applications. It's become popular in the United States because it is such effective self-defense for women in particular. It really focuses on disarming your opponent no matter their size and effectively getting out of compromising situations.

I've signed up for two intro classes and my next one is tomorrow. After that it's a little expensive, but not too bad considering I'm getting trained by an accredited institution and there are several available classes throughout the week. It averages out to about $10 a session. We shall see if that is workable, but as of right now I'm pretty much willing to do whatever to my budget to afford it.

Also, fun tidbit for Joshua and Doug: My instructor is a 3rd degree black belt in Chuck Norris's form of Karate, Chun Kuk Do.

Ah, Facebook, You've Done It Again

I had planned on taking a break from my self-deprecation and boohoo pity party to write a comparison on Mondrian and Lil Wayne/T-Pain, but that will have to wait. I know you're upset, but don't worry I will make Mary Ann faint soon enough. Instead I have to take a few deep breaths to prevent hyperventilation so I don't faint myself.

I was "studying" for my praxis in the morning. I have my art making test and I was gathering my thoughts about my work when I checked my e-mail hoping my sister-in-law might have sent me all the answers I need. She didn't, but I got a message from facebook from a long lost teacher. It was actually really nice to hear from him, but I digress from my point. I was looking at the newsfeed, ok if you have to call it procrastinating you can, but the point is that I stumbled across an entire album of DJ and his son that his sister put on Facebook. Now, I kind of feel like this was a personal attack towards me. She befriended me on facebook a couple of months ago and so of course she would have known I would see them. I literally started shaking and had to catch my breath. "Noah Pics" it was called. "Noah Pics" as if it was the most natural and casual thing to plaster all over Facebook. DJ isn't even on Facebook there was no reason for these pictures to be put up whatsoever. The thing is, I guess it was a natural and casual thing. They are pictures of her brother and nephew.

I was a little upset with myself at first that I even allowed these pictures to have such an effect on me, but then I thought more deeply about it. That family was so important to me and these were pictures of not only DJ with the boy, but DJ's Dad and also Britney holding him. I'm actually still shaking. I thought that family was my family until all of them rejected me the minute Britney got pregnant. Everyone but DJ's Dad. I mean it retrospect it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me besides being kicked out of the house in high school, but it has effectively made it impossible to forge any kind of real relationship again.

So, I guess I'll have to defriend his sister. I can't subject myself to that situation any longer. I think I will tell her why. I haven't fully decided, but I think someone needs to understand the magnitude of what happened. I'm fairly certain that if I ever saw DJ again I would punch him in the face, then the knee him in the balls and while he writhed on the ground I would spit on him then kick him as I stepped over him. Yep.

Guess I'll Go Eat Worms

I'm kind of experiencing mixed feelings about my choice of location right now. I really love weather. I don't know that I care for all the palm trees and general beach flora. I'm not a "tropical" person. I also hate shorts. I think I look really bad in them. I've found that it's really difficult to be comfortable in pants here though. I'm going to have to work on that.

What is more difficult is just the overall superficial attitude of most people I come across. It's diametrically opposite of the social mentality in Boone. In Boone you're more likely to get exasperated from listening to everyone's political agendas rather than how someone blew all their money shopping and drinking last night. I keep telling myself it's because I work in a bar with people recently acquainted with drinking at a legal age. I think that is the reason, but it's no less aggravating to hear on a constant basis. And I do mean constant.

I think it makes it harder for people to relate to me because I feel so removed from everything. I've said or done a few playful things at work the other day and one person got offended and I had to apologize. The other person couldn't stop laughing or bringing it up. They were genuinely surprised to find that I had a sense of humor. I didn't realize that was a hidden aspect of my personality. I guess I flatter myself when I think I'm funny. I know I told some of you that a boy I work with said I'm "the nicest, sweetest girl that works [there]." Several people there have said they can't imagine me angry or in a fight. I mean, I came here for a fresh start, but I'm really not sure where they're getting these personality traits from. It's not that I mind being described as sweet or mellow, but I get the impression what they really mean is boring.

In addition, I don't think I'm considered very pretty down here. It's not that big of a deal, but it's a little hurtful I guess. I'm not super tan or blond and I'm a little curvier/pudgier than most girls down here.

A combination of these factors makes me a little ambivalent about settling down here. If my friend Katie moves down at the end of Jamie's lease then I will have to stay for another year or so. I don't mind, but I guess that's because I'm hoping some of these negative aspects will change once I get a "real" job.

Why I Don't Go Out Often

So I've been asked about a little narration action for the photos that were recently posted of me on Facebook. I have mixed feelings about them. I decided after some kind of weird self-imposed pressure to be more spontaneous, to go out with my roommate and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is actually a lot of fun. I'm not exactly sure what they say to each other when I'm not around, nor do I care. All I know is that when I am there he and I pretty much talk to each other and then he takes a break to make out with my roommate every now and again. So anyhow he just graduated from his Naval nuclear engineering program so they conned me into going out with them to celebrate.

I was told that every time my roommate goes out with these Navy guys that she's pretty much the only girl and that she wanted to some other girls around to hang out with. I still don't really know anyone here and I try to make myself be outgoing every now and again so that was pretty much my thought process. I need friends, only single girl, bunch of Navy guys. That has to equal a good time, right?

It did for a while. I really was drinking significantly less than everyone else though so that started to get awkward. Every now and then shots would apear in front of me so pretty much the only way I could get them to stop trying to get me to drink was to tell them I'd had enough and if I drank anymore I'd probably start crying. I guess I forgot to mention that there were not "fifteen single guys" as my roommate described, but couples as far as the eye could see. I myself was sitting in a booth with two couples. At one point no one was talking and I yelled out over the music, "Hey do you guys remember that dating show The Fifth Wheel?" Anyway, eventually they stopped trying to get me to drink, but then just tried to get me to dance. Um, I don't do that. There is really a finite amount of times you can say that before you either have to leave, or acquiesce. Since I was completely broke and couldn't pay for a cab, I was forced to do the latter. Only for about half a song before I got away though.

The really annoying part happened about 30 minutes before last call. I was sitting in the booth, alone, kind of just wanting to go home since my roommate was somewhere making out and there were just couples everywhere. A guy came and sat down next to me who I recognized from some of my roommates pictures. We started talking and joked around. He got a little touchy-feely, but not too bad. Plus he was pretty cute even though he has a shaved head and Will Smith ears. My roommate and her boyfriend came over and the boy next to me leaned across the table to talk to the boyfriend. I mean it was some weird private conversation where he hid behind his hand and everything so we couldn't figure out what they were saying. All I know is that right afterward he invited me to go swimming at his apartment and my roommate and her boyfriend tried to leave me. I looked up and they were getting up to go and when I inquired about what the hell they thought they were doing her boyfriend just looked at me and said, "Oh are you coming back with us? Or did you want to stay?" What the hell, man? I had literally just met the guy that my roommate then encouraged me to go skinny-dipping with. Um, I don't do that. It was then revealed that this boy didn't even remember my name. We pretty much got kicked out at this point, because the bar was closing and the boy that I was being handed off to kept telling me I was "too uptight and needed to loosen up."

Thanks for the advice, douche-bag. I'll keep that in mind.

I Am My Own Sugar Daddy

So I've decided in celebration of my awesomeness I should treat myself to something I've wanted but always talk myself out of buying. Here is a list of things that I have been coveting. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to covet, but I don't go to church so deal. I would like to know which of these things you all think I should give into. I've listed them roughly from cheapest to most expensive for Mary Ann's "Frugalein" side.

1-Bud vases: I really like these and I'm hoping I can put them in place of my roommate's cards she keeps on the dining room table as a centerpiece. Forever. I thought she would take them off after a week or so, but she just leaves them up until the next holiday. There are about eight. I digress.

2-Candleholders: I really love how unimposing these are. Plus, who doesn't like candles? I would probably only get about three.
















3- Tumblers: It's hard to tell in this picture, but these are Wizard of Oz glasses. They're on sale right now.












4- Bookends: These are vintage marble horse heads. They're sold on Etsy and have been there a few weeks so I'm not sure how much longer they'll be available.











5-Holga camera: I really like the quality of the pictures produced with these cameras. Down side is that I would want/need some accessories over time. And who knows when they would stop producing or developing the film for this camera. It's pretty cheap for the work I could potentially produce with it.














6-Handmade jellyfish vase: I really like jellyfish. Jellyfish and seahorses. I'm a little apprehensive of going in the aquatic animal route if I continue to live on the coast. The last thing I want is a house full of sand and starfish with conch shells in the bathroom. I really think this is beautiful though.




















7-Teapot: I really like this teapot. I was thinking that maybe I could add to my collection every time I hit a milestone. It will only be available for a limited time. There is a small tray available for the same price that I would probably talk myself in to buying as well which would actually double the investment. But it's so pretty!














8-Robot Mania: I've shown a couple of you this vendor on Etsy. He makes robot sculptures out of reclaimed items and I LOVE them! Most of the ones I really fell in love with have already been sold, but I do like this one.


















9-Heels: I've been looking for a pair of nude patent leather heels for a while.














10-Another robot: Technically this one is listed as a mannequin. I was kind of thinking of these as a collection I could start to reward myself as well. Kind of like the teapot. Another thing to consider is that these are one of a kind and are therefore only available for a limited time.















11-Another pair of nude heels: I really like the heel on these.















12-Teapot Part 2: This is created by a designer that I really love. And I love teapots. It's a win-win.
















13-Dictionary: I really want a nice dictionary. This one is faux crocodile leather. I love it. It also has a Thesaurus companion.
















14-At Marquee Sign: OK, so I guess this is proof I like graphic design a little. Or that I just like typographic symbols.





















15-Acrylic table: I've slowly been buying furniture. I've been trying to get things that are sustainably made or that I just really like. I like this table a lot and it being transparent will make it unobtrusive in small apartments. Plus it's really well designed and just generally awesome.






















Wow, I really might have a coveting problem. Now, admittedly some of things I want more than others, but then when I start reasoning things out price-wise and availability-wise and everything else, I just can't decide. Please submit your votes!

I Smoked That S--t Like a Two Dolla Blunt

So I got my Praxis score today for my Art Content Knowledge test and I got a 190!!! Just so you know the magnitude of that here are some figures to go by:

Passing is 149.
Average is 160-180.
The highest you can score is 200.

Needless to say I'm not going to bother retaking this test. Quit while you're ahead, right? Now I just have to take the Art Making section, which I'm not nearly as concerned about. I mean if 12 years of art training aren't enough to get me to pass that test, then I have not place teaching art. There is an essay section as well, but I'm usually pretty good at essays so that shouldn't be too bad either. I'm hoping that with a high score it will give me more of an edge even though I'm applying for jobs later in the summer. If only I had a respectable GPA to accompany the score. I might actually make the impression I'm intelligent.

Age Certification Bypassed by Cashier

That's right I'm old. If you want to get technical about it, I wasn't carded on my 21st birthday either, but still. I haven't done too much today, but I had some fun last weekend. A couple of my friends came into town and we went to downtown Charleston to celebrate. We had a nice dinner and bar hopped a little bit until we ended up at the Kickin' Chicken. It might not be classy, but they were friendly and we didn't have to yell at each other to be heard so I was good with it. I kind of had to remind the others we needed to get a cab home which was a little frustrating and then by the end of the night/early morning (6ish or so) my friends ended up making out with each other and finishing my roommate's bottle of wine. At least they had fun.

I have realized in the past few days that I'm too old to continue life how I have been. The job I have now is frustrating for just oh so many reasons, but just to give you some examples the other night I was given one of the worst sections in which some strange man dubbed "Magic trick guy" decided to sit. He ordered a large cranberry juice because of those darned DUI laws around here. He likes beer though so don't worry as does his cat who is an alcoholic according to him. I guess I wasn't friendly enough because he never did any magic tricks for me like he has done for the other girls. That night I also got a number from a chubby 30-something-year-old who was sitting at the bar listening to his mp3 player and dancing to the tunes in his head. I was also asked by management to snake the drain in the women's room because I didn't seem busy. You can imagine my face when any one of those things happened.

The fact that my shifts have been cut back is a little disconcerting to me but I am taking this opportunity to finally compile my graphic design self-promotion and portfolio so it's not all bad.

At any rate I'm planning to finish my bottle of champagne in celebration of being 25 and pretending like I'm getting my life together. Cheers to the road ahead!

Sometimes When You Talk I Want to Take a Pen and Stab Myself in the Eye

So I know you guys have been just as upset about Sarah Chalke being the mother from How I Met Your Mother. I also know that you were just as elated when it was revealed last week that she isn't and that another clue was given in the season finale on Monday. Phew. What a relief. Now we can move on with today's topics: More fun conversations/eavesdroppings (like bird droppings but funnier).

More Math
Girl A: "I don't do anything on time. I graduated high school when I was 17 and now I'm graduating from college early."

Me: Doing some mental math. Girl A is 20-years-old. She is getting her Asssociate's Degree. A two year degree. 20-17 =???. Hmmm.

Anatomy
Girl B: "I can't wait to have kids 'cause your boobs get really big."

Girl C: "They don't stay that way. They go back down."

Girl B: "What you can't keep them? They don't stay that way?!"

More Nutrition
Boy A: "Do you have any orange juice?"

Me: "Nope."

Boy A: "Why not?"

Me: "Because it's healthier to just eat the fruit than drink the juice. Juice is higher calorie."

Boy A: "Do you have any apple juice."

Me: "NO."

Boy A: "Why not? Juice is good for you!"

Me: "It's healthier just to eat the fruit. Any nutritionist will tell you that. Juice has more calories 'cause it takes more fruit to make one glass of juice and it doesn't have the fiber. I have an apple."

Boy A: "Well take the apple and make me some juice!"

Me: Glare. "Get in your car and go buy some juice."

Boy A: "I only drink natural juice. It's healthy for you I promise."

Me: "It's healthier than soda or something but it's still better just to eat the fruit."

When the juice argument was brought up later

Boy B: "What exactly is the Vitamin C content of Pimp Juice?"

Girl C: "I don't know, but it's very high in protein. That might be one of the grossest things I've every said."


Environment
After Boy A decides to drink some water

Me: "What are you doing? Why are you using a keg cup? Just use a regular glass."

Boy A: "Why?"

Me: "Because those aren't recyclable here so you'll just throw it away."

Boy A: "You sound like one of those eco-terrorists."

Me: "What?"

Boy A: "You don't know what an eco-terrorist is? They're those people that chain themselves to trees and mess with whaling boats and stuff."

Me: Incredulous look. "That sounds like something an anti-environmentalist would say."

Boy A: "OK, I don't really know what I'm talking about I'm basing all this off of Law & Order: SVU."

Relationships I Never Want to Have
Couple (Boy B & Girl C): Screaming something about berries in high pitched voices while clapping in unison and laughing at their own "hilarious" rendition of something no one else has seen.

Boy From Couple: "Have you guys ever seen that Starburst berry creme commercial?"

Me: "I think I just did."

Class is in Session: First Period

You know, it's exciting to see that even after college I'm still learning things. Here are a series of conversations I've had in the last few days:


Nutrition

Person A: "Why do you eat tofu? I mean, why do you want to eat fake meat?"

Me: "I prefer to look at it as real soy."

Person A: "But I mean, it's not natural."

The next day with someone else
Person B: "What did you make vegetable soup? Wait no, you're vegan now aren't you?"

Me: "I don't understand how vegetable soup isn't vegan."

Person B: "I told you I'm drunk. I can't believe I just said that though you should just shoot me in the face."

World Issues
(While watching a performer from Rwanda on American Idol promoting a charity)

Person B: "I don't understand...what is this? What is he?"

Me: "Haha...seriously?"

(After having a conversation about being of Lebanese descent)

Person B: "Oh my gosh, so I went to the tennis courts today to throw the ball around with Chloe. And, I know we weren't playing tennis and she's just a dog but these A-Rabs came up--I'm not being very politically correct, but I don't know what to call them so I just say A-Rabs--and they just started playing tennis."

Me: "Um..."

Person B: "I mean I just don't know what to call them I guess their Islamic or something."

Math
(After hearing that there were 88 million votes this week on American Idol)

Person B: "Wow. That just shows how many people don't have lives in America."

Me: "That doesn't mean 88 million people voted."

Person B: "I know. It was probably, like, half that amount of people voting ten times."

Patience
(After getting off the phone with Megan)

Person B: "Who was that, Grayson (a guy friend of mine)? Hehe."

Me: "My sister."

Person B: "Haha. You're gonna get pissed at me soon, aren't you?"

Me: "Probably."

Manners

Me: "We're allowed to chew gum here? I've never been allowed to chew gum at a job."

Person C: "Even a restaurant job?"

Me: "Especially a restaurant job."

Person C: "Yeah I guess it's kinda rude, but I just think 'Hey if you're gonna eat in front of me I'm gonna smack my gum in your face.' It keeps me from eating."

You Have Kids, I Watch Movies

I don't really use Facebook very much except to periodically harrass my sister or other random friends. I also really enjoy the quizzes. Every now and again I take anywhere from 5-10 at a time. I'm actually surprised that often the quiz kind of pins my personality or things I like. It determined that I would be Barney from How I Met Your Mother. I don't see it, but Barney is pretty much the best thing about the show. Another quiz determined that my closest literary counterpart would be Mr. Keating from Dead Poets Society. I mean, come on, I don't need to say anything about that. I recently took a quiz to determine what Wes Anderson character I would be like. This is my result:

You are Max Fischer. You are extremely eccentric, but all you need to calm you down is a perfect counterpart. Even though you are quite intelligent, your laziness often keeps others from noticing this, and it was never reflected in your grades at school. You are a real go getter, but you always take on more than you can handle, so most of your projects never get realized. You are a little vindictive, and have trouble making friends. But, when you do make friends, you are loyal to a fault.

Max Fisher is Jason Schwartzman's character from Rushmore. That is one of the few Wes Anderson films I haven't seen so I can't really comment on the comparison too much except to say that the short description above I think says everything I could possibly think of to say about myself. I've always wanted to see this movie so I guess this just reaffirms the fact that I need to make that happen.

While I'm talking about Wes Anderson I have to say that I really like all of his movies I have seen (The Royal Tennenbaums, The Life Aquatic, The Darjeeling Limited, Bottle Rocket). I just don't think I fully understand them. They're the kind of movies that for me, I have to see several times before I pick up on probably half of what is presented to me. They are always really well styled and beautiful shot. I love all the colors, costuming, and set design in The Life Aquatic in particular.

To get a little off my original topic, I have to say I have a few favorite directors. As I said before I like Wes Anderson because of the visual appeal of his movies and the fact that they entice multiple viewings. I like Cameron Crowe because most of his movies have genuine emotion even if it can be a little manipulative at times (ahem, Jerry Maguire). He also undeniably has some of the best movie soundtracks EVER. I like Quentin Tarantino because he uses satire and has a specific point of view. A lot of his work is derivative by his own admittance, but is still pretty cool if you can stand the blood. I also really like M. Knight Shyamalan. I know most people hate him and think his movies are boring but I think he's misunderstood. Hollywood doesn't know how to market him. They keep trying to put him in a horror movie genre when he just doesn't belong. His movies are about people and society and emotions. He uses the supernatural to illustrate his ideas about everyday life and people just don't get it. I did really hate Lady in the Water though.