So for about the last month and a half I was dating someone new. Most of you have heard me go on and on about him. He's an extremely accomplished, funny, smart, and good looking guy. College graduate, brown belt in Jiu Jitsu, fluent in Spanish, surfs, spear-fishes, hunts, and collects handguns and tactical weapons, and probably does anything else awesome you can think of. Things were absolutely great for the first few weeks. So great that I was completely on edge and just knew something was gonna go wrong any second. Then it did. He stopped calling regularly, cancelled plans or just didn't even show up at all. He started completely flaking which obviously cemented his place in the Asshole Hall of Fame that is my dating history. There is one small hiccup/excuse that makes me rethink things to the point of kind of consuming my brain. That's actually what I want to talk about.
This guy had a best friend that borrowed one of his guns and shot himself with it. These guys were like brotherly best friends. Super close. Of course my guy blames himself even though logically he knows it isn't his fault. The suicide happened the day after New Year's but when things started to go sour between he and I it was around the birthday of his deceased friend. He admitted to me that he just gets really depressed sometimes and feels like he can't be around people. He stills shows interest, then pushes me away, then shows interest again.
I haven't lost someone close to me unexpectedly. I have friends that I think of like sisters and if lost one of them suddenly I don't think would handle it well at all. Especially if I thought I had a hand in it. One thing I do know about is crippling depression and anxiety. There have been plenty of times I've been so depressed that I can't make myself go to the grocery store much less keep plans with someone. I've been flaky and unreliable and obnoxiously selfish because I just stay in my own head and I've never had a reason half as understandable as this guy.
It's difficult to tell if his jackassery is a result of his depression or of him actually being a jackass. Or could it be a combination? I dunno. The interesting thing though is the insecurity and skepticism that I'm experiencing as a result of the bad stuff going on is actually making me depressed and flaky. I've flaked out on tons of plans with my friends because all of a sudden I'm just sad and don't want to be around anyone. Then when I am around people I act like everything's perfect and no need to worry. He does that too. Except I am worried. Then annoyed because he flakes. Then worried again. Then I'm like, "F--- you, dude. You're a douche." Then I feel bad because he's probably just depressed. Then I get depressed because I don't know what to do to help him. Then I'm like, "Why am I helping him? I hardly know him."
I guess my question is...At what point does situational depression not entitle a person to understanding? If you let the flakiness occur, are you just enabling them? When do you just walk away and wait for them to snap out of it? Do you ever "snap out" of something like what he's going through? When do I just become a pushover? Am I already a pushover?
Of course the mantra of single girls my age is "He's just not that into you." And you know what? He probably isn't...but since we have to be around each other on a regular basis I would like to get a grasp on what's going on. I'd like to know if I should act like a bitter jilted ex or an understanding friend. It rather drastically affects whether or not I'll accidentally kick him in the groin or elbow him in the face during Jiu Jitsu. Who am I kidding? If i injure him he'll just come after me with one of his tactical weapons.
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2 comments:
So glad you're blogging again. I've missed your writing.
Death is horrible, and death with guilt does you one worse. So, right there, YES, his friend's suicide could explain a lot but it maybe doesn't explain enough.
I think people who experience the death of a loved one ought to go to therapy. That's the baseline. He probably needs a therapist.
How long ago did this happen? New Years 2010 or when? I think it's fair to give a person a year for grief. Holidays, birthdays, memories . . . it's tough. Hard times. Everything's painful. But pain does NOT absolve him of adult responsibility (ie checking in with situation updates, common courtesy). You want a relationship with a person, not a riddle.
I hate to say it, since it's clear you really like him, but I think one of two things happened here.
1. His emotional world started to overwhelm him with grief and memories of his dead friend and to deal with it he cut you out of the picture.
2. He lacks the maturity to deal with adult relationships and got scared as things picked up between you and flaked out and now his dead friend is taking the fall for it.
Neither one of those is worth your time. You should drop him, but not like a jilted ex. Just quit expecting him to be normal or to call. Be nice, be distant. He's either too wrapped up in his own grief to see beyond himself (a normal phase but not one you should have to suffer through--look him up in a year), or he's really just an immature jerk who lies to cover up his insecurities and failures.
You deserve better. Follow his example and distance yourself. If his grief is such that he needs support, he should get that from a therapist.
Now, where's that grain of salt? I want to give it to you, since what do I know?
Yeah January 2010. I pretty much agree with everything you've said. Especially the part about his emotional world overwhelming him. Whatever the reason for his actions he's a pretty cool guy to know. While us having to be around each other is really annoying right now, at least there's the potential of us being friendly once the awkwardness subsides.
Thank you for your input. I thought you would have some sound opinions/advice about this particular situation.
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