Half Baked

I just interviewed for an assistant manager's position at a local bakery called Baked. I say it's local, but it's actually the second location; the first being in Brooklyn, NYC. Is all that punctuation right? Meh, who cares...

Anyway, I met one owner today and he was just too cute. I'm pretty sure he's gay, but he's just this nerdy little spacey guy who obviously has too much on his plate. I really hope I get the job. We all know how much I love baked goods and, funny coincidence, the other owner used to be a graphic designer. If you looked at the website, you can see the packaging and everything is pretty awesome.

Of course, if I get this job I will have to leave Red's or drastically cut back my hours. Boohoo. That means I won't be able to have any more conversations such as the following:

Teenager: "Hey can you tie my shoe?"

Me: "Are you fucking shitting me? Why can't you tie your own damn shoe?"

Teenager (Rolling eyes): "Uh, because my jeans are too tight and I can't bend over."

...............

Me: "I think I have morning sickness. I just can't even look at food right now. Don't tell Donovan though he doesn't know yet."

Teenager #2: "Um, morning sickness is, like, a pregnancy thing."

Me: "Wait, what? Really?"

Teenager #2 (laughing at me): "Uh, yeah."

Me: "Oh, never mind then."

..............

After repeatedly being provoked into fighting I put everything down, got into fighting stance and said...

Me: "Alright let's do this. Let's go."

Obnoxious guy (laughing at me): "Haha, I can't fight you ."

Me: "Well you seemed to think so when my back was turned."

Obnoxious guy (laughing at me): "Fighting you would be like fighting my little brother."

Me: "How so?"

Obnoxious guy: "Because I would be laughing the whole time."

Me: "That's extremely rude and I'm very offended. And, I don't think you'd be laughing too much when I throw an elbow to your face."

Later...

Obnoxious guy: "I just mean I would be laughing because I wouldn't be taking it seriously."

Me: "I'm not really sure how you thought that would make it better, but I'm even more pissed off now."

For several days he kept asking me if I was still mad at him until...

Me: "Look, I'm going to be mad at you until you show some remorse. The fact of the matter is you have no idea what I'm like in a fight and I'm really tired of the male mentality around this place that if you give me distance I'll forget why I'm mad. I very much remember why I'm angry and the fact that you think that I'll forget makes me feel that much more belittled therefore making me even more angry. So don't talk to me until you're ready to genuinely apologize to me."

He walked off.

................

Girl: "How do you spell ludicrous?"

Me: "L-U-D-I-C-R-O-U-S."

Girl: "I don't think that's right. There's an A in it somewhere 'cause the rapper always says 'It's Luda!!' You know?"

Me: "I do know, but he changed the spelling because his name is Chris. He spells it L-U-D-A-C-R-I-S. The word is spelled the other way."

Girl: "I don't think that's right. There's an A in it somewhere."

Me: "Just in the rapper's name. He changed the spelling."

I wrote the two words out so she could see.

Girl: "I just don't think that's right. He's always saying, 'Hey yo it's Luda!!!' You know?"

Me: "Yes. He just changed the spelling."

Girl (To someone else): "Hey, how do you spell ludicrous. Isn't there an A in it?"

Me (Pulling my own hair): "Holy fuck nuts, are you kidding me?"

...............

Me: "I think I should get a life size zen garden like in the Next Karate Kid where Hilary Swank has to jump from that big rock without disturbing the sand. Wasn't that in the Next Karate Kid?"

Wannabe Thug: "I don't know I just never thought Mr. Myagi was legit. I'd rather have Jean Claude Van Damme on my side any day, you know what I'm sayin?"

Me: "You have got to be kidding me. Mr. Myagi is the shit. No one can take him."

Wannabe Thug: "Whatever he's like up in the mountains teaching the five finger death touch and Van Damme's like a real dude, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Me: "I do know what you're saying, but I think you're talking about Kill Bill. You're mixing your Martial Arts metaphors."

Wannabe Thug: "You just don't get it. It's like I'm looking at you it's just going right over your head, you know what I'm saying?"

Me: "I did get it. I just didn't think it was funny."

Wannabe Thug: "Nah, I'm like up here (holding one hand up) and you're like down here (apparently by his waist)."

Me: "Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there. Because right now you're trying to imply that you're smarter than me and you're not, so shut it."

Wannabe Thug: "Whoa."

Me: "I do know what you're saying, I do get it, I just don't think it's funny. There's a difference."

..............

There's oh so much more, but this is already getting prettttty long.